There Ain't No Rest For The Wicked
by Athena-anjali
Summary: Harley Quinn convinces The Joker to leave Gotham City for a vacation. What could possibly go wrong when the infamous couple realizes they won't be the only criminals enjoying a few days off in a wonderful resort just outside of town?
1. Chapter 1

"As if the clown could actually do something that made you happy." muttered Poison Ivy that morning, as she and Harley Quinn talked over the phone.

"You'll see, Red. Mr. J needs a vacation, and so do I. Aw, when I'll tell him about the joke we are going to pull on the entire resort's staff, he won't be able to sleep at night because of the excitement!" replied Harley cheerfully, as she flipped through the pages of a magazine. It was in fact thanks to a magazine that the idea of leaving Gotham for a vacation struck her.

Harley was mesmerized by all the amazing resorts and spas advertised in the magazine, and as she stared at the happy couples portrayed on the pages, she couldn't help but think about herself and her puddin' in that situation, wrapped in each other's arms as they stared at the sunset, their lips slowly getting closer...

"Harley!" shouted a familiar voice, that instantly distracted Harley from her thoughts. "Put down that dumb phone and focus on the real world, will ya?! Kids these days can only think about their phones. Where are my goddamn socks?"

"I gotta go Red, Mr. J's calling!" beamed Harley. She instantly ended the phone call and skipped happily in the bedroom that both her and the Joker shared.

The Joker, on the other hand, was not in a good mood that morning, and as soon as she entered the bedroom, Harley found him looking through the entire room for his socks.

"What are you doing just standing here? Help me, you dumb blonde! I gotta get ready for the Bat." shouted Joker.

"But puddin', I thought you were going to release your Joker toxin in the mall tonight," began Harley, visibly confused. "It's only 10 AM."

"You think I don't know what time it is, Harley?" asked Joker, now kneeling down on the floor to look under their bed; the socks were still nowhere to be found, and it didn't help the Joker's mood. "I'm the Clown Prince of Crime, the Harlequin of Hate, Batman's most formidable nemesis, and if you think I'll become as predictable as the Riddler, you're wrong! I am not predictable, and most importantly, I am not a loser, which Eddie Nygma obviously is. C'mon, Harley," said Joker, standing up from the floor. "Who's dumb enough to leave clues and riddles around for Batsy to solve that will eventually tell him all about the crime they're going to commit?"

"Well, not you, puddin'." retorted Harley, slowly. "Indeed! That's why I will spread some smiles in the mall as soon as I find my goddamn socks," said Joker, as he kept looking around their room for his socks. "I am not predictable, Harl." he added, hastily.

Joker's gaze suddenly fell on their bed, where a pair of purple and green socks had been tidily folded. The Joker beamed as he grabbed them, and turned to face Harley. "I found my socks pumpkin. You can go get ready to go to the mall, now, or we'll be late."

"Actually, puddin', there's something I want to talk to you about," began Harley, her lips curling into a smile. She was already planning what to do once they both arrived at the resort: they could sunbathe together, go swim together, eat in a fancy restaurant, maybe they could just spend an entire day in their suite... Harley's thoughts were suddenly interrupted as the Joker sighed, visibly annoyed.

"Eddie Nygma sent me another death threat in form of a riddle, didn't he?" he sat down on the bed, folding his arms and frowning. "Goddamit, this is like The War of Jokes and Riddles all over again..." he muttered.

"What- what are you talking about?" asked Harley, confused. "I want to go on a vacation together, puddin'. Just think about it! The two of us alone in a fancy resort away from Gotham and the Bat-freak, just relaxing and enjoying each other's company."

"A vacation? Pumpkin, this is the worst idea you have ever had, and that is saying something," said Joker as he shook his head. "I could never leave Batsy alone because my dame's a selfish brat who wants to go on a stupid vacation! Who's gonna fight him? Scarecrow? That nerd isn't even able to take one damn punch, Harley! Batsy deserves a decent fight, and I could never let him down like that. Daddy's not a shitty friend, pooh, and Batman is my best friend."

"But puddin', I even planned a joke to pull on the resort's staff the day we'll have to leave," said Harley, nodding proudly. "We'll make the entire resort blow up, because being there is going to be a blast! Got it?"

Joker, who was focused on wearing his socks, suddenly stopped, and glared at Harley. "How many times did I tell you not to explain a joke? This vacation is not going to happen, you little selfish brat, because me and Batsy have things to do together, so you better stop bothering me with your mediocre ideas and go get ready to go to the mall."

Harley, however, did not intend to let this go. "Mr. J, I thought that you weren't a predictable guy at all," began Harley, as she sat down on the bed next to Joker, who was now staring at her. "You've been fighting Batman almost every night for years now, imagine how worried he'll be when you'll disappear for a few days. He'll go nuts trying to figure out what you're planning, while you're just laying on a warm beach next to your Harley girl while sipping a drink and relaxing."

Joker's lips curled into a smile, and he started to laugh suddenly, which made Harley smile as well. She loved the sound of her Mr. J's laugh, and knowing that she was the reason he laughed, made her feel special.

"Baby, you're the greatest!" he exclaimed, standing up. "Pack you things, pooh. We're going on a vacation."


	2. Chapter 2

Jonathan Crane had been wanting to go on a vacation for a while now, especially after his latest scheme's fiasco.

He was determined to release some of his fear toxin in Gotham City University as soon as he got to know that Jacob Hamill, one of the kids that used to bully him in high school, had managed to get a teaching position there. However, he was stopped by the Batman almost immediately, and he was dragged back to Arkham Asylum, as usual.

So of course as soon as Edward Nygma had invited him on a vacation in a splendid resort just outside of Gotham, Jonathan agreed without a second thought. It was an opportunity for the both of them to focus on their new plans without fearing the Batman breaking in their hideout to drag them back to Arkham Asylum.

Once they both arrived to the resort, Jonathan was determined to focus on some improvements for his fear toxin, and Edward was going to think about new riddles to challenge the caped crusader with once again; it was going to be a calm and productive week.

"I am still wondering how we are going to afford a suite in this place." said Jonathan, as he and Edward Nygma walked into the resort's lobby a week after breaking out of Arkham Asylum, each carrying small luggages. Edward turned to him and shrugged. "Being criminals and not decent people, that is the last of my concerns." The two men approached the receptionist, who looked as if she could faint at any moment. "I have booked a twin room, name's E. Nygma." said Edward, winking at the receptionist, who was rather frighted of the two men standing opposite her. "Uh, yes. Let me check." she stammered, as she checked the reservations.

In that moment, both the Joker and Harley Quinn walked in the lobby, carrying quite an exaggerate amount of bags and luggages. "Losers!" yelled Joker cheerfully, as he walked towards Jonathan and Edward, embracing them. "Long time no see! Can't say that I've missed you." Both men instantly pulled away from the Joker's embrace. "What are you nerds doing? You're here for a romantic getaway?" asked Joker, giggling.

"No, you ignorant. We were here to relax and plan our next attacks in peace, which will be impossible now, thanks to you." retorted Edward, hastily. "It's always a pleasure, Eddie!" replied Joker, grinning.

"Mr. Nygma, sir, I am sorry but I cannot find your reservation." said the receptionist, as she tried her best to remain calm and professional, given the situation. "What?" hissed Edward. "What do you mean you can't find it?"

"We'll be able to accommodate you in a double room, sir." replied the receptionist. "Sounds like a romantic getaway to me!" giggled Joker.

"Coming here was a bad idea, we should head back to Gotham." said Jonathan. Edward nodded, and both men gathered their luggages and walked towards the exit.

"Not so fast, nerds. You could sleep in the same room as me and my Harley girl," chuckled Joker. "It will be a blast, some sort of villains sleepover!"

"But Mr. J, this was supposed to be _our_ romantic week, not a sleepover..." protested Harley, who couldn't stand the thought of anyone trying to ruin their vacation, not after all the trouble she went through to make it happen.

"Shush, Harley. Do you losers think Batman throws bat-sleepovers as well? All of those kiddies he uses as Robins might enjoy it. And then they call Jervis Tetch a pedo..." said Joker, frowning.

"That is not going to happen." interrupted Edward. "I won't sleep in the same room as you, you pathetic, ignorant excuse for a clown."

Joker gasped dramatically. "Eddie, you're not still angry at me because I'm Batman's smartest enemy, are ya?" he asked, shaking his head.

Edward laughed, genuinely amused. "You're not his smartest enemy. Stop embarrassing yourself."

"Then stay here and prove it," said Joker, shrugging. "or maybe a certain walking question mark here is too scared he'll lose."

Edward gritted his teeth, and walked towards the receptionist once again. "A double room will be fine."

Both Jonathan and Harley shared a look. "My vacation is ruined." she muttered, folding her arms. "Tell me about it." retorted Crane, as he glared at the two men in front of him.

It was going to be a long week.


	3. Chapter 3

Harley Quinn and the Joker were walking barefoot on the beach, enjoying a long walk. They were holding hands and relaxing, as they listened to the soothing sound of waves finally meeting the shore.

They sat down on the sand and stared at the sunset, which painted the sky in pink and orange.

"Oh, puddin'," breathed Harley, dreamily. "I can't believe this is finally happening. I've wanted to go on a vacation for so long."

The Joker smiled at her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She gazed at him, and their lips met. They kissed tenderly, but the kiss soon grew more passionate; The Joker pressed Harley's body on the sand and as he climbed on top of her...

Suddenly a horrifying scream woke Harley up, who quickly got out of bed and raced outside the room, in the corridor.

The Joker was nowhere to be seen, which only increased Harley's preoccupation as the screams got louder and louder, until a very familiar laugh echoed through the corridor.

Harley followed the familiar noise until she realized she was standing in front of the room Edward Nygma and Jonathan Crane were going to share during the whole vacation.

She opened the door and found the Joker laughing hysterically as Nygma crawled in the room's corner, still screaming in terror.

"Edward, I am so sorry," said Jonathan Crane, as he sat down next to Edward in an attempt to try to calm him down. "I have no idea how he managed to get his filthy hands on my toxin, I swear!"

The Joker was now leaning against the wall as he laughed. "See, this is what happens when you challenge me, and unless you want this to be some sort of part two to our little _War of Jokes and Riddles_, you better admit that I am Batman's smartest enemy."

"Not everything is about you and that damn flying rodent," said Jonathan as he stood up, frantically looking for the antidote to his toxin, which luckily he always had with him. As soon as he found it, he quickly injected it into Edward's arm. "I hope it won't take long." he added.

"Oh, pumpkin," said Joker, turning to Harley. "You missed the show!"

"This was supposed to be a romantic getaway, you immature jerk," yelled Harley, who suddenly slapped the Joker. "Stop torturing Ed and start paying attention to _me_ instead. No wonder everyone on the Internet says that you're just an ungrateful idiot."

The Joker rolled his eyes. "C'mon, baby, we already discussed what the Internet says about us, who cares? I bet Vicky Vale is behind it anyway, and no one cares about Vicky Vale... Except for Batman. We all remember _Arkham City_ after all..."

"Stop saying nonsense and let's go to the beach," interrupted Harley. "And Jonny, Ed, don't mind him. You know how my puddin' behaves sometimes. I bet he's sorry, really."

"Actually, I am not" begun Joker, frowning. Harley quickly pulled him outside the room before he could say anything, and they left.

After what seemed like an eternity, Edward Nygma finally managed to get out of the most vivid hallucination on his entire life. He had never been exposed to Crane's fear toxin before, of course, so he wasn't even merely prepared for what he had experienced.

He was now drinking a soft drink in the resort's bar, and Jonathan was keeping him company.

"I am so sorry, Edward. I didn't really think the Joker could sneak in our room in the middle of the night to steal my compound..." said Jonathan, visibly mortified.

"Whatever," replied Edward, shrugging. "He's going to pay for what he did. I am tired of having him around already. I want him gone, you understand?"

Jonathan nodded, and he ordered a glass of water, which he calmy sipped. "I understand what you're feeling right now, but I don't think that starting a war in here is a great idea, Edward. The last thing we want is the bat or the GCPD coming here."

"You're right," said Edward, "but I won't let that pathetic excuse for a criminal disrespect me any further. I will get my revenge, and then I'll focus on my next riddles for Batman, I promise."

Jonathan wasn't completely sure this was going to work, but he said nothing, since the last thing he wanted was to end up on Edward's revenge list as well. When they both finished their drinks, Edward and Jonathan left the bar and walked to their room. "Should I make his room blow up?" asked Edward, as he opened the door and walked in along with Jonathan. "And risk to hurt Harley in the process?" asked Jonathan. "No, you should find another way."

"Since when do you care about her?" chuckled Edward. "You do realize that she'd kill you if the Joker told her to, right? That woman has no control over herself whatsoever, she's just Joker's annoying little puppet."

"I don't see it that way," protested Jonathan. "I mean, she is a smart woman, and she has control over herself. I am sure of it. I just don't get how she could fall for such a viscid, disgusting bully..."

"No one understands that, Jonathan. Not even me, and I am the smartest man in Gotham City."

"Sure, Edward, sure," Said Jonathan, as he climbed in bed after wearing his pajamas. "Turn the lights off when you're done with your riddles."

Edward nodded, and silence soon fell into the room as he sat down by the desk.

Truth is, the last thing Edward was thinking about were his riddles and plans for Batman. All he could think about was the Joker, and how he would make him pay for his pathetic joke.

The Joker, in Edward's opinion, was not a difficult man to understand: he was just a huge child with a rather promiscuous obsession for Batman, who loved attention more than anything else.

So, how could he hurt him? Of course he would use his intellect rather than violence: he wanted to prove the clown how superior he was. Trying to hurt the Joker's reputation was not a great idea; the clown already worked way too hard to ruin it on his own.

Suddenly, an idea struck Edward, who quickly rose to his feet and walked to Jonathan, who was now peacefully sleeping. "Jonathan," whispered Edward. "Jonathan, wake up. I know how to make the Joker pay. Trust me, it'll be a killing joke."


End file.
